Why arguing is stupid

Why is arguing stupid?

Some love arguing.  Some think arguing is healthy and necessary for intimacy.

This is my definition of arguing:

Verbal combat.  Two or more who seek to verbally conquer another by force of will, emotion, or reason, words being the weapon.

How is this healthy or necessary?

Disagreement and discussion can be healthy and necessary.  But forcing someone to listen is never necessary, healthy, or even intelligent.

Arguing is stupid because those who argue get locked in.

You've experienced it.  You've done it.  I've experienced it.  I've done it.
It's easy to notice when others do it, a little harder when we do it.  (But we DO know when we are doing it.)

You're arguing.  A button has been pushed on an issue you refuse to budge on.  There comes a point in the argument when you feel it ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY to interrupt the one who is arguing with or against you.  You talk over her, BUT SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.  You YELL.  But he won't stop speaking!  On and on he goes!  She says the same things over and over again!  He makes the same points over and over again!

He is LOCKED IN.
She is LOCKED IN.

NEITHER HE NOR SHE IS LISTENING, EVEN TO HIMSELF OR HERSELF!

When someone is locked in, listening, as a whole, as a reality or possibility, ceases.  Mental, emotional, and volitional autopilot has kicked in.  Why?

Have you ever seen one of those war movies where someone is taken captive?  The one taken prisoner is tied up and about to be questioned.  If he does not answer the questions asked, or give up information, he will be tortured.  So the prisoner keeps saying his name, rank, and military numbers OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

LOCKED IN!

War.
Verbal combat.
Arguing.

Is the man listening to the one who is about to torture him?  Absolutely not!  Why?   

Because he perceives torturer as an enemy, hell bent on taking his freedom and identity.

This is the mindset of verbal combat, of arguing.

The parent, sibling, spouse, or coworker is viewed as an enemy of your identity, hell bent on taking it.  And at this moment, this view or opinion or line of reason DEFINES EVERYTHING YOU ARE!  SO HELP YOU GOD IF YOU GIVE IN!

SO YOU LOCK IN!
LOCK AND LOAD!!!

It's so stupid!  I hate it!  It NEVER gets anywhere!  Ever!  I've never "won" an argument from locking in, and no one has ever "won" an argument when they locked in with me.  Ever!

I hate talking over people, and when people talk over me.  I hate when a person talks louder and louder, over and over, and I hate doing that.  At that moment, I feel weak, not strong.  I feel like I'm out of control, not like I'm in control.

It's so stupid!

I can feel how bad it feels to act like that, but I lock in nonetheless!

Pride!
I won't back down!  I can't!  After all, my very identity is at stake, right!
STUPID!

How do we keep from doing this, ever again?

I read something online that I found to be bordering on genius!   It used the analogy of what is necessary for fires, the "fire triangle."  Air, something to burn, something to ignite.   Take any one of those away, and no fire can happen!  Period.  It can't!

Now, three things are necessary for "verbal combat"
1.  A subject to disagree upon (One considered the very essence of who you are!)
2. An "arguer" (One willing and able to do verbal combat with you on an issue that is your very life!)
3. An "arguee"  (One willing to argue back, self-defense if you will.)

Remove one of these, and verbal combat cannot happen.  There won't be a motivation to get locked in.

(I can't find the article on arguing to link it.  It's one of those articles you read, enjoy, but don't save as a favorite.  It was a parenting article.  If the one who wrote the article reads this, know that I am indebted to you.  Tell me who you are in the comments!)

"But what about discussions?"  some one may ask.  How can we have healthy disagreements and discussions without getting locked in?

You know when you are about to lock in, or when a topic comes up that triggers you getting locked in.  You can tell when someone else is about to lock in.  (Now there are times when you stumble unintentionally upon a subject that locks someone in, or when someone does that to you.  Either way, what I'm about to say applies.)

The key is our identity.  Who are we, really?  Are we the point we are trying to make in the argument at the moment?  Is that really who we are?

ARE WE OUR "OPINIONS?"

This is a crucial question, especially for us Americans.  We consider our identity to be our "liberties."

Freedom of speech
Freedom of expression
Freedom of religion
Freedom of opinion

We can say whatever we want. 
No, wait, even better.
We have a RIGHT to say what we want.
No.  Better still.
We have a GOD GIVEN RIGHT to think, feel, believe, and say WHATEVER WE WANT.  Any one who tries to take these rights is an enemy who must be resisted.  Right?

These are "spiritual thoughts," which means I will come to a spiritual solution to getting locked in.  It is written,

In the exercise of (God's) will He brought us forth by the word of truth, so that we would be a kind of first fruits among His creatures.This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.  James 1:18-20 NASB

There it is people!  What do we want?

The anger of man (expressed in defending our opinions)

OR

The righteousness of God (whether that agrees or disagrees with our opinions?)

I mean really.  

Really.  

What do we want when we are arguing?  

We can deceive ourselves and say we want "the righteousness of God."  But both parties will claim that as they are yelling over each other and not listening to each other, which shows that NEITHER party wants this, because God has said through His word to be "quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger."  THIS is what achieves the righteousness of God, NOT "the anger of man," expressed in verbal combat, in which we are quick to speak, slow to hear (if we hear at all,) and very quick to anger.

The way to stop getting locked in is to stop focusing on ourselves, our opinions, our "rights."  We must deny ourselves, according to the Lord Jesus Christ, take up our crosses (which means rejection, suffering, and death) and follow Him.  We give up our "liberties" and our so called "identities."  

Easier said then done?  Why?  It is the first thing we are supposed to do when we accept the call to follow Jesus.  When His disciples heard the words, "Follow me," they left their families and lives and did exactly that.  Along the way they had to let go of many misconceptions about their Messiah and His mission, and Christ made no apologies about that.  He didn't make it easy at times.  But those who would truly follow Christ had to give up their lives for Him, literally.

Apply this to your favorite political candidate, if you have one.  Or apply this to your denomination, if you are a part of one.  Take a fundamental political or denominational view that you not only hold, but hold to intensely.  Why do you hold to it so vehemently?  Is it for Christ?  Does Christ need you to argue for him, and to get locked in when you argue?  Does Christ need you to defend YOUR candidate or YOUR denomination, keywords being YOURS?  Do we ever read, "And Jesus yelled over the Pharisees while the Pharisees yelled over Him, until the Pharisees backed down?"  No.  We do read that Jesus silenced his enemies, and that "no one dared ask Him any more questions." (Luke 40:39-40)  But how did He silence them?  Yelling?  Being locked in?  Not listening any more and saying the same thing, over and over again, louder and louder?  NO!  He silenced them with truth!  Spirit filled, Spirit led truth! This is how He silenced those who challenged Him.  We are to follow His example.  

But the reason Christ could be filled with and led by the Spirit in silencing His adversaries is found here:

 The Jews were amazed and asked, “How did this man get such learning without having studied?” Jesus answered, “My teaching is not my own. It comes from him who sent me. If anyone chooses to do God’s will, he will find out whether my teaching comes from God or whether I speak on my own. He who speaks on his own does so to gain honor for himself, but he who works for the honor of the one who sent him is a man of truth; there is nothing false about him.  

John 7:15-18 NIV

The Lord Jesus did not speak on His own authority, or seek His own glory.  He wasn't expressing His "opinions," nor did He ever seek to do so.  He only did what He saw His Father doing, and He only said what His Father wanted Him to say, for His Father's glory, and not His own glory.  

When we engage in verbal combat, we speak from our own authority, and for our own glory.  As Americans, we speak from the authority of our so called liberty, and for the glory of our "independent" identity.  And what is worse, is that we claim that God Himself wants this!  

Arguing is stupid because it is based on a false reality, a false identity--a reality and identity that assumes we are the center.  We should focus on the true reality--God's kingdom and glory, and our true identity--those who express God's kingdom and glory.  When we do this, we may discuss or disagree, but we won't get locked in and refuse to listen.

May we never argue again.